More, more, more, more...
More, more, more, more!!
No, stop, stop, stop stop stop stop stop!!
- Bacuga, push! - Aye, aye, People's Captain!
- Loosen the line on the south-side! - Aye, aye!
Quickly, put them in line. There's got to be some life in the neighbourhood.
This is Szczupak calling, Szczupak calling! All units, all units!
The net is in place. Commence the operation.
TEDDY BEAR
Starring
Christ on a bike!
- What the hell!? - Nothing, Boss
The eye fell off... ....... off the old bear!
Give me two of those bears. The red one, and the one in the green hat.
......... I'm eating, alright?
Director's assistants:
Production:
Set design; Interiors.
Sound; Sound effects
Editing; Camera assistants
Costumes; make-up
Screenplay & Dialogue
Music
Production management
Cinematography
Christ on a...
Directed by
Sorry to bother you...
Not at all.
- Are the bears packed? - Yes.
- How many did you fit in? - Same as usual.
I drove this way yesterday, but there weren't any houses.
You don't say...
And what if there had been an old lady going to the old folk's home,
which wasn't here yesterday, but was here today:
You would have run over this old lady, am I correct?
That old lady could have been your own mother!
How could I have run over my mother, when she's sitting in the back of my car?
Brzoza calling, this is Brzoza! (Birch) The line is bad!
I repeat, he said his mother's sitting in the back..
"Mother sitting in backseat" that's what he said!
Above all: don't panic. He's got a live one!
He's driving his mother, an old lady, just to frame us!
This only shows us that we constantly have to face new challenges.
That's Number One.
And secondly; we must have different options to hand.
And that's No. 2.
And that's why I suggest the following argument:
"What if there was suddenly a kindergarten... In the future!"
... and your little one happened to be crossing the road,..... in the future...
What if there was SUDDENLY a kindergarten... In the future...
...and your little son happened to be crossing the road, in the future
- a son you don't even have yet, so don't go telling me...
...that he's sitting in the back!
You're travelling to the capital city of a capitalist country.
This country maybe even has its... pluses.
But don't let these pluses distract you from the very many... minuses.
Okay, so in line with tradition, gents on the right, ladies to the left.
Big crowd...
So, how do we define a "residential area"? Go on..
A "residential area" has a minimum of 3 buildings,
separated by no more than 15 metres.
3, right? No more than 15m apart, right?
These ones are 14m apart. Go and measure yourself if you don't trust the Militia!
He'll believe anything.
Lord, why have you burdened me with this idiot!?
But it should be 3, not 2.
Unless you're counting that one over there as a building too??
WELCOME TO POLAND
RAINBOW Sports Club
115!!
- It says here 119, 4kg are missing. - I've lost weight!
So, you're bringing back 4 kilograms less of a citizen than you left with?!
If every citizen came back lighter, then there'd be less and less of us!
- Less of us Poles! - So what can I do?
60 zloty for each missing kilo. Your education?
- Higher education. - Make it 75zl.
EVERY EDUCATED CITIZEN IS A SPECIAL TREASURE TO SOCIETY
Here are the passports.
- Citizen Ochódzki, Ryszard? - Yes? That's me.
Follow me, please.
What is ... who did this??
- It's me! - You did it?
- It's ME who asks the questions round here! Who did this!?
Well, I...
- What is this? - A passport...
A Passport!?
It may have been a passport once. It's an ex passport.
Bring my suitcase. Listen: You're going without me!
Coach, you're responsible for the match, for everything!
- But what's happened? - It's nothing, it's fine.
Give me that.
Call the Council of Ministers, tell them I'm coming.
- How come they turned him away? - Eh?? Don't you know, Ma'am?
He was summoned by the Ministry! They called up yesterday after the match.
- And how'd you find out? - I took the call myself!
Nobody was here. He was out himself.
They were probably trying to convince him to be our new Minister.
He'd be stupid to accept.
Are we hard on him here?
Where would he be better off?
He did alright under Marciniak.
Yes, very well, but even Marciniak said he was a rip-off merchant.
He never ripped him off, that's the going rate! Marciniak isn't a child.
300,000 and an apartment. That's fair enough.
Mind you, he never paid me the 500 zloty for that locker I brought him.
And what about us?! He owes us for this glass he broke!
I told him that a glass costs 4 zloty,
and he's all: "Sure, sure," but he never paid.
Our "Teddy-Bear"! Teddy bear! About as cuddly as a pig's privates...
Five hundred measly zlotys for me? No way! And he's shitting money!
I'd like to say that the President of our club is particularly scrupulous when it comes to money.
Always conscientious. If he ever...
owes... anyone anything, he pays them back immediately...
He's never in debt to anyone. He keeps these things in order.
He runs the club very well...
Ah, good morning, my Honey-Bear!
Just popped round for a second, to pick up my furniture.
Look, I hope it's not a bother.
Let me... introduce you to...
- Would you like something to drink? - No, thank you.
I, on the other hand, would be delighted to take something to drink.
Careful, gentlemen, careful!
- The two of us will never clear this. - There are three of you though, right?
Sweet-Bear, let me try the introduction again: This is Wladek who you've heard all about.
I'm very sorry! Truly, truly sorry!
Please, Mr Minister, do take a seat.
Drop the 'Minister' stuff... ancient history.
- What's your name? - Rysio!
Richard...
Ah, all you little Rickies are alright with me.
It's a pity you two had to split up.
But on the other hand...
This painting by Kossak...
This Kossak...
- And this Buddha. - Woah, woah. Hold on a moment. Whose Buddha?
Wladeczku, I'd love to hang this Kossak in our bedroom
and the Buddha would go great in your study. - Wait, wait...
I really like you very much, ?alchi?. You should drop by ours sometime.
Just give us a call before to be sure we are at home.
This is pretty too.
And how did you know, that I'd be here?
You knew I was suppose to be leaving, didn't you?
We were simply passing by and just decided to pop in.
How come? Passing by, with removal men?
Yes, thats right. We were passing with removal men.
I really do like you, chap.
The man is saying...
That we can both use our joint account.
It's ME who asks the questions round here!
What is this??
Sir, sir! I'd like to withdraw all the money from our account!
Prosze bardzo!
Hey there young Citizen! Fight sorrow! Keep your dream!
Perhaps in 30 years, across these sands, a new highway will run!
straight and bright, long and wide, For all Warsaw a source of pride,
Joy in our hearts, walking on air down the Lazienkowska Thoroughfare!
There's one thing I don't understand; why "perhaps"?
- "Perhaps," because, he doesn't know yet. - How do you mean he doesn't know?
Imagine, brother!
A young man, a boy, yes?
On a bank of the river in Warsaw, his friends around are working.
- Can you picture it? - Yes, now I can see it!
You see! And he also starts to see it...
...slowly he can see the new road!
Brother, he can see it in his dreams!
And then bang! We shift to G sharp!
- in G sharp!? - That's right, G sharp!
And instead of the word "perhaps", we're using "for sure".
On 3!
Hey there young Citizen! Fight sorrow! Keep your dream!
For sure in 30 years, across these sands, a new highway will run!
straight and bright, long and wide, For all Warsaw a source of pride,
With joy in our hearts, walking on air down the Lazienkowska Thoroughfare!
Warszawa united, east and west,
Oh, the banks where your father fought his best.
Bravo!
You sang it so beautifully for us, Mr Smynter
For you guys, I'd sing anything, anytime!
- You see! - You were right.
- I told you. - You've convinced me. Hold this..
Warszawa united, east and west,
Oh, the coast where your father fought his best!
Yes?
May I?
Well hello Rysio. What's up?
- I'd already given up on you coming! - Why's that?
I got off the train early, cause in the centre they check your tickets.
What's a girl to do, eh.
- It's tough... - A year, minimum, a year!
A messy situation...
No doubt... A year!
You get these gold-diggers, c'mon. They'll take everything you've got.
- But what can be done? Nothing. - Nothing.
Although... I think I may have just had an idea...
Wait! Why? Listen!
I know you won't pass through the port of my heart,
this harbour of tender emotion
And then: "There's no need to tear a page from your passport,..."
"to keep you here next to me!"
Not a single page, would I need to tear out
Together we'll forever be
Your passport is safe with me!
...and you're the only one who heard?
Seriously, he was trying to convince someone that his aunt is coming from London,
- and bringing the money. - Lying again!
So, you can see that he also lied in the passport application you saw:
Family abroad: 'Not applicable'.
But he has an aunt in London, and London is abroad.
There's no aunt in London, just cash in the bank. Roczniak told me on his way home.
He gets me to call him up and hold while he makes up all this nonsense down the line:
"Ah, my auntie from London's called!" and he acts all surprised.
- That's just the start of it, this "Auntie"! - You, see! I said there's no aunt!
That man hasn't an honest bone in his body
Gentlemen, what is all this?
- It was to be taken down 3 days ago! - It will be taken down.
We're just finishing breakfast, Sir, then we'll start.
Eat your breakfast at home, the director is giving me a hard time!
- because the decorations aren't ready... - What's with that guy?
Production Manager, Hochwander. Got a woman with him so he's showing off!
Well, c'mon Wladziu, finish up and then we'll begin.
Hey!
Our star. Ola, introduce yourself to the gentleman.
- Aleksandra Kozel. - Ochodzki... Ryszard.
Nice to meet you.
Well...
How's everything going, Rysio?
Slowly...
Ola, go and have a look what they're serving for lunch today.
- A very decent girl. - Never mind! What can we do...
Seriously, I'd really like it if somehow things started to work out for her.
- So? - Janek...
You know how it was. There was a war!
5 years of war, 5 years of occupation...
I've made 28 films about it, I'm making the 29th.
So even from the films you know, how it was. It was tough.
And before that war? Capitalist dictatorship...
I made 18 films about that, too. So, what's with this brother?
- Where is he? - Nowhere!
He exists only for this aunt of mine.
She's very rich, 79 years old, lives in London.
Enough?
My parents sent her a photo, slightly exaggerated.
There were two of us in the photo. As if we were twins.
So, auntie used to send £50 to both of us. £100 in total!
For her it didn't matter. £50 or £100. But for us...
Janek, you don't need me to explain...
lt was tough. My father, bro ...
Stop it or I'll go mad. I know things were tough! It was tough for me for 18 films!
- What do you actually want? - Auntie is coming to Poland in a week.
For the first time after 50 years.
There has to be two of us; twin brothers, you're the only one I can turn to...
Everything Auntie brings for my brother will be for you.
How am I meant to know how much she'll bring for your brother?
Janek, have I ever sold you a pup??
Ok. Let's say: I give you a role in my film; then you get ill.
Then we'd have grounds to start looking for a double for you.
Satisfied?
Make sure you've got some change on you so you don't have to tell me again,
that you didn't have enough change and couldn't call me. Got it?
Ok; and I'll be speaking with you, Boss?
First, a lady will answer, then I'll come to the phone.
You'll start then.
- As usual, then. - Just don't be late, as you usually are.
Prepare the notice for the phonebox. Wait for the 3rd change of lights, will you remember?
- Don't lose that paper. - I'll remember.
Here he comes again.
My husband had bladder problems too so I know how painful it must be.
There's nothing wrong with my bladder, it's just a pre-emptive measure,
I'm meant to be standing by that damn phone box again.
I'll freeze right down to the marrow!
You see! It's the same phone box which we used to have in our club.
We could always make a call if we had to.
But old pig-parts goes and swans off with it and keeps it by his house!
And who are you going to be today? This aunt of his again?
For sure. I'll be counting live from London.
PAYPHONE OUT OF ORDER
- Will you eat something, Sweet-Bear? - I'll eat you!
You know, I don't know how it's possible, but I love you very much.
What do you mean?
Well, like I said. Simply, I just... love you!
Ok, I understand!
Hello? Hello?
Mister! It's out of order.
There was even a sign up, but some hoodlum took it down.
Every time you kiss me, you turn on the pink light. Why?
For the mood.
For instance, when I'm thinking, I switch on the blue one...
Don't you like me any more, Sweet-Bear?
What I don't like is dealing with morons.
What morons?
You get that. I'm not here.
Hello?!
International call from London!
Please don't hang up!
Honey-bear, London's on the line! For you!
London?
Find me a cigarette.
Hello!
I'm very sorry for calling so late.
The phone was out of order, and I've only just managed to find another, in the pharmacy
Once again, I apologise.
And now I'll start counting, as you instructed, Sir.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5...
Hello, Roman, old pal!
How's tricks?
Polanski...
What? To London?!
82, 83, 84, 85,
86, 87, 88.
- Excuse me! - What for?
I've already counted. There are 122 people in this queue.
Scout's honour!
Wait! Wait!
I'll just write that down!
88 89 121.
Okay, great,... great!
- Okay, see you then!! - That was Polanski, the film director??
They've all gone mad, wanting to make a film star out of me!
First Janek wants me in his film here, now they want me over in London!
I have other things on my mind. But I've got other fish to fry.
Madness! And now I'm supposed to find some actress for him too.
- An actress?! - A partner for me.
Because I'll be playing a Pole who's in London with his wife.
I'll have to ask Janek Hochwander.
- He knows an actress when he sees one. - But, Teddy Bear!
You can't do that! He'd only get jealous if he knew!
He wouldn't let me go!
I love you, I love you too, a lot! You know?
Man... you could have at least left them one hare.
What the hell for?
Give it a push!
- Is the hare ready? - Ready!
- Who are these ones? - The beaters.
Children from the village for the battue.
- Mmhm. The correct concept. - Yes. The correct concept.
Dress them in trousers, take off their shoes and shave the entire company.
I signed a contract to be a forester with moustache!
I refuse to be shaved!
I've had these whiskers since before the war!!
Wrap their faces in rags, so it looks like they've got toothache.
There was no dental care for children in those days.
- That'll be the best option! - That's right! Rags over faces!!
What on earth is that?
- Who is that? - That friend of Hochwander.
- How's this for a Squire? - How do you do?
But what is he wearing?
- This could be taken off. - It's a good concept.
A most excellent concept, except why is he wearing a Prussian uniform!?
Because he's a Prussian squire!
Look - it's here in the script: "Pruski Squire is coming!"
Prussian... Pruski That's his surname, Pruski!
Wawrzyniec Pruski! The Polish squire!
Take it off! It's a profanation!
It's a slap in the face for the entire crew.
Take it easy. It's a squire from the time of capitalist imperialism.
Don't forget who they palled up with. Anyway, tell him to take it off.
- Hunters: Ready!? - Ready!
- Village Children: Ready!? - Ready!
Ready!
- Camera... - Rolling!
"The Ultimate Sausage of Count Barry Kent" - scene 701!
- Now what are we going to do?! - We'll do another take.
Another take? Are you crazy?! It's a cat. It'll always climb the tree!
We can cut down the tree. That's my concept.
I'm here for the concepts, not you, do you understand?!
Every issue can be perceived from two different perspectives.
The truth of times we are portraying, then there's the truth of screen, saying:
"Panslavonic pear tree shelters the plebeian fugitive in its boughs."
Shoot me a cut-in shot of the hare in the pear tree.
No, no! Let's use a dog instead!
Let it bark at its persecutors from the squire's manor house.
Just make it stop meowing!!
Birch Water Hair Treatment, please.
- "Polytechnic" magazine, is it? - Yes, please. Thank you.
Ah, pork loin...
That'll be 300! After tomorrow we'll be stocking "Speleology Today".
- Speleo-what-now? What is that? - Liver.
- Thank you, goodbye! - Goodbye!
Pardon!
Stay right here, ma'am. You'll be our witness.
Put it here, boys. The door!
- You work here, am I right? - Yes, and?
It was you who sold my wife this shampoo, was it not?
SAMSON. REVITALIZING SHAMPOO I asked a question!
- God knows!! Whatever. - How dare you!?
Shampoo, it says!
Revitalizing!
The mother of my children!
30 years of marriage... My wife...
And this... is all I have left:
This is all you've left me!
- This is all I have left! - No, Kazio! No!!
Goddammit, get the hell out of here, all of you!
Throwing hair all over the place!
Listen, Mister! This isn't a hairdressing salon!
This is a newsagent's stand! I sell meat here!
Have you brought everything?
Yes, but I'm not sure, if everything's ok...
'cos you gave me a form for business passport.
What do I want with a personal passport? To buy my own tickets too?
You'll fly with a business passport, as a member of Rainbow Sports.
With your business passport, my butterfly, you can fly all over the world.
You keep your passport on you!?
Show me how you look!
I look like this!
Oh, you, my Teddy Bear...
You signed the photos for your sport card, good.
- Give me your ID as well. - My ID...
2 coffees and 2 cream cakes. What else?
Why 2 coffees and 2 cream cakes?
Coffee and cream cakes are compulsory for everyone.
We're trying to win the "Golden Pan" award.
OK. Bring us 2 compulsory sets.
- The cloakroom is compulsory too! - All right.
Oh, not again... No, here they are.
So, listen: Here's a list of what I have in my jacket:
ID, application etc.
It's cloakroom no. 10. I'll write it down so you don't forget... 10.
Add a little water for me, dear.
I feel so drained today.
I'm telling you...
Miss Iwonka, wipe this lipstick off, or some customer will complain again.
We should put up a notice: We only serves clients with ties.
Clients dressed with ties make a lot less fuss.
I've taken my coat already? But you've got my ticket in your hand!
- Take this coat! - But that's not my coat!
But your hook is empty, so my colleague has to give you the next coat along, clear?
But I had my passport and the ID of this lady in my coat!
You picked up that coat. You said: "it's got an ID and passport...'
He paid 20 zloty 'cos he'd lost his ticket.
But I have it here, so give me my coat!
Don't shout at my employee! I'm the manager of this cloakroom,
and we don't have your coat, Sir, so what are you going to do about it?
This oaf keeps insisting: let him! but how can I give him what we don't have!
Read the notice.
CLOAKROOM MANAGEMENT TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR ITEMS LEFT IN THE CLOAKROOM
Why didn't you call the Citizen's Militia?
Because I'll drive faster to them than they to me.
- Wait for me. I'll be back soon. - What about me?
They stole my jacket, not yours.
CITIZEN'S MILITIA LOCAL HQ
Next one. Don't you know the rules?
Of course. When you're desperate you forget the rules sometimes.
You're right, Officer.
- How long are you going to be? - 15 years! But I'll appeal!
- So, have you sorted it out? - I did what I could.
Bear, Teddy Bear! Sweet-Bear, Teddy Bear!
Look, look!
They sent it back. They did... They've sent it back, they've sent it...
What?
They must've stolen it back already! No! Here it is.
My ID!
Excellent! Listen... Maybe they've sent mine too.
Oh, Sweet-bear, let's go and check!
- There's a letter! - Really? Open it!
It's here! You see, people are so honest!
Yes. Terribly honest.
That's insane. Why would they just send the cover and take the pages?
Probably the thief had his own cover - a nicer one.
But he didn't have a passport in it. So now he'll leave the country with mine.
- He'll be caught, you declared it stolen. - Sure, they'll catch him, right,
Maybe in a year or even more.
"ROMY-BABY, TRIP CANCELLED,
KISSES. RYSIO."
This is tragic. And I'm not thinking of myself here.
I so wanted you to act for Polanski.
Sweet-bear, think of something! You're so clever.
I can't send this telegram. "London" There's no such a place on the system.
- There's Ladek, Ladek-Spa, mmhm... - London, the city in England!
Why didn't you tell me?! Why, then did you not say so?!
- I'm saying now,.. - I have to go and check where it is. Bloody...
They stole your passport...
so, why don't you steal someone else's passport. I'll do it!
THE ULTIMATE SAUSAGE OF COUNT BARRY KENT
- Where is my tea? - Over there, on your desk.
Thank you.
Miss Kyrsia! Here's a sick note.
- Thank you, Mr Director. - Who's it for?
One of the actors has become ill. Ryszard Ochodzki. He'll be on leave.
Place an ad in a paper. With a photo. We're looking for a double.
- What's wrong with him? - He's bed-bound.
Dear God!
Take this to the newspaper at once. Give them this photo too.
- But they're pouring my soup already! - A taxi is waiting! An artist is ill!
When I was your age I never ate a thing. Here.
Go! What are you waiting for?
Are you the driver for "Ultimate Sausage?"
- Yeah. So what? - So let's go!
First, to the Victoria Hotel.
Wait for me.
I have to finally get something to eat.
MILK BAR
- Mashed potatoes with lard. - No lard today. Only jam.
- Fine, that'll do. - Miss, could you come over?
- In a second! - Come back here, Miss.
Buckwheat.
Number 78, seat 13, table 3.
What are you digging for?! You're going to unscrew the plate. Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Bon appetit!
- What's your number? - 78.
Mine is 74, but I was in the bog.
Hey you, watch out!
This city has gone to the dogs, let me tell you,
they can't even cook groats correctly these days!
Let's go to the office, to place this advertisement.
- Sorry, what is this queue for? - For "The Ultimate Sausage".
They won't have anything for me.
What are you here, ladies?
Because we are so similar to each other.
All friends in our office talk about it.
Thank you very much, ladies! Thank you, we'll call you.
- They weren't the best. - Men only!!
That's right, only men! Only men. Sir!
Good morning! Hi! How do you do! I've come to sing my song for you!
They call me Romek, I love the craic! out in the slums, I've got my little shack
Got 'leccy, gas and even water! Sing it again? I think I oughta!
They call me Romek, I love the... - Get him out of here!!
What? But why?! I just wanted to express my inner self!
Everybody out! Casting is over!
Get them all the hell out of here!
Pay them wages for half a day!
Then to the devil with the lot of them!
Godammit! Those doubles! All of those doppelgangers!
What the devil made me listen to Rysio. Damn it!
So...?
Man alive!! Have you gone mad too?! You're supposed to be ill!!
You're supposed to be ill. Seriously ill!
Today has cost me 50,000 zloty!
Do you want us both to end up in jail?
If you're bored, then leave! Go mushroom picking. For heaven's sake!
Hm yes. That's a very good concept!
Go and pick some mushrooms! That'll be all.
Hello? Rysio, look, I'm sorry for shouting at you,
I'm sorry about the mushrooms, but you simply must stay at home!
Yes! Yes!
Listen.
What mushrooms is he sorry for?
But... I am at home.
That's very good you're at home!
That's right.
Bring back that guy who was here a moment ago...
That's right. Go on!
Miss Krysia, that guy who was just here - we need him!
He left but we need him.
Send for that gentleman who was just here!
Hey!!!!
Go! Faster!
Men in white coats will come to take me away.
- We have the man, Mr Director! - Bring him in!
Good morning! Hi! How do you do! I've come to sing my song for you!
My name's Jolly Romek & I love the craic Out in the slums I've got my little shack
Got 'leccy, gas, and even water Sing it again? I think I oughta!
I'm jolly Romek! My name's Jolly Romek and I...
- What can he know? - He can know everything!
That's the truth... Everything... He can do everything!
He placed the advert, he found me and warned me...
- That's what he said? - Yeah!
"Go pick some mushrooms, otherwise we'll both end up in jail!"
- Mushrooms, at this time of year? You know him? - Not at all. Never see him before!
Wouldn't know him from Adam!
But what's the trouble? Those 4 tonnes we stole on Tuesday?
Maybe the 12 tonnes from last week?
Maybe the 8 tonnes of charcoal? Or all that kindling??
- That's it, it must be that kindling! - Let's go and pick those mushrooms!
Let's get some wine along the way. I have a daughter, so we have an occasion to celebrate!
- Again? - The same as 4 years ago.
A child is a child, you can always drink to their health!
And what's her name?
as a rule we call her Marysia,
but we want to give her a more modern name.
There's this new girl's name, that's really good.
What's that then?
Tradition! Tradycja! (Tradition)
A bunch of freeloaders and imbeciles!
Nobody - pardon my french - wants to move their arse!
I'm here bending over backwards, frittering money away,
to have a nice advert to attract as many people as possible.
Finally we find the double to play in the film -
- and film is, of course, ---Lenin'ism---of course frames the citation--- the most important of the arts -
- That's right! - And, for this most important art you let our man escape!
He seems to have disappeared into the throng..
How many people showed up for the audition?!
Give me the report book.
886 people.
Leave out the women, but the rest must be checked!
- Everybody, in their homes? - Yes!
- At home, at home, dont play the fool - But it'll take all night!
We'll find him. I'll drive for 2 nights, but I'll find him!
I want him found by the morning. By morning!!
Aren't you coming?
Hey... Who else is going to adjust the milometer?
Boiler room, hello! Good day, Miss Director. Boys, let's sing our new song:
One, two! One, two, three! Five, six, seven! Eight!
Quieten down for a moment, please! I've got Admin on the phone!
I'm listening, Boss, ma'am.
That's right, Boss, ma'am...
I hear what you're saying...
I do understand that you're cold, but: it's winter, in Poland - of course it's cold!
Boss, ma'am - this is an immutable law of nature!
Is it lit? I'm lighting it up constantly!
Non stop!
You're very welcome,
At your service, Boss, ma'am!
- Two? - One, I'm driving.
Shall we start? Or shall we just sit here and look at each other?
Sign it! Put tomorrow's date. It'll be tomorrow!
It's ok that way.
Show me!
We, the undersigned, after having checked 538 persons of the male sex,
having driven 728 km according to the milometer,
and having checked the given addresses,
certify, that we were not able to locate the man shown in the attached photograph.
Good.
Sign it.
- In what photo? - Do you know this guy?
- No. - So, it means you signed the truth.
- Grandma, I'll be the Herod! - You're too young to play Herod!
- Herod was never young? - No!
Oh, Jesus! Children! Pick up these toys. Now!
- Ala, take the bucket! - What bucket, mummy?
This one! Coal's coming. Hurry! And take the pig's trough too!
Hurry children! Where's your father? Ah, he's drunk, he's asleep, good, good.
You, old man, wake up! Wake up!
Take the axe! They've brought coal!
Coal in the village!
There'll be war again - like last time!
EXPERIMENTAL PLANTATION ENTRY STRICTLY FORBIDDEN
There's one thing I can't understand.
For 2 tons of coal they gave us a cart full of spruce trees.
- Maybe they needed coal. - What for?
- To burn in stoves. - And you can't burn spruces?
It's even better. They're even better!
Peasants are ignorant here.
But these film guys, they know how to do business!
They do!
- I told you they'd... - Hey, who said "Stop"?
Pff, you can lead a horse to water...
She's a sentient being - reckons she's getting a rough deal!
She's just like us. Working all day without a drop of booze, is that what you want?!
All right. I'll make it up. Course not. I'll make it up to her.
Here you go, baldy. Down the hatch!
- What's up? - Sniff, citizen. The horse, it's drunk!
- It? It's "her"? She had a small beer in the morning. Half even!
On Monday she's heading to detox, she'll sort herself out, she'll be OK.
- Listen. - I wouldn't lie to authority!
This horse of yours, ..she,
she's not only drunk but also dirty!
You're right, officer. She's a slob. She doesn't much care about personal hygiene.
Here you're absolutely right!
What can I tell you?
That you offer us a fine of 100 zloty.
You're saying a hundred zlotys? Alright
So I'm adding another 100 and together it's 200.
Maybe you'd like a spruce, officer? 230 zloty a piece.
That way you'll be 30 zloty in the black.
A fine little shrub!
Let's have a look.
Pricey.
Thank goodness he never asked us about the trees. 'Cause if he had...
Hey, wait!
Stop! Wait a second!
Give me one more, for my brother... will you?
Hang on there. What do you mean: give me?
Are we to give it free? The merchandise costs, no?
Alright! Wait, I'm coming back!
Here they are, Robus.
Mr Director, my dear, I saw you in all your movies.
In your Polish ones, and in foreign and American ones too!
But as for this toad, don't give him as much as a penny!
or even better, send it to me instead, 'cos he abandoned me,
for my sister! For that bitch! and this is his child.
He had to go to court. Said he was in prison at the time.
But, you know, I visited him twice in prison!
... so who else's child could it be, if not his?
It's that toad's boy. Robus, confirm it so there'll be no more injustice for us.
Say, who is it in this photo? Tell the man, who's that in the photo?
- Daddy! - Daddy!
Father!
We're looking for Mr Paluch.
- Can I help you? - Are you Paluch?
Yes, why?
Maybe you have a brother, Mr Paluch?
Let me introduce myself, gentlemen.
Zdzislaw Dyrman...
...as a rule.
Mr Hochwander,... Chrostowicz.
Have a seat!
- Stanislaw, Stanislaw Paluch.
Zosia!
Is Stach there?
Stach!
The Police are here for you.
My wife... gentlemen...
Zofia!
Okay, this is your share for those Christmas Trees.
You are like one big family, here on the set.
The truth of time, the truth of screen.
Your film tells about the painful truth of pre-revolutionary days, yes?
The barking of the hunters hounds and the popping of champagne corks
aren't enough to drown out the rumble of the gathering storm.
- That's right. - Indeed. We're trying to recreate that mood.
We fully trust the director, everybody trusts everybody.
I don't want to be controversial.
- Oh, here's a new performer. An amateur. - An amateur?
Mister Staszek! Staszku. Could we?
It's his first time in film. He's an example to us all.
By thanking him, I symbolically thank the entire crew.
- Thank you very much! - Thank you very much!
4 days I was looking for him. Didn't sleep or eat.
He's perfect!
This mutual trust is the basis of our cooperation.
Everybody! Dress rehearsal! Here we go! Careful now.
You're sad, the hunting went badly; the hares all ran away!
Sorry! Cue the lady!
Careful, careful! Embrace the lady. You're crying, crying. Go to him.
Crying on his shoulder! Yes. That's it.
Now the horses! Careful! Take the horses! That's it.
The horses - are they unharnessed? Why aren't the horses listening to me?!
We're approaching the fire. Now! Wide-angle shot of the cauldron... Got it?
And in we come! Closer! Cook! Stir harder!
Stir it properly! Get it steaming! Idiot!
The sausages!
The disappearance of these sausages has thrown us into disarray. That's a fact.
But the perpetrator's motives can easily be seen through.
The saboteurs' propoganda is obvious, and its message crude.
This is why the disappearance of the sausages
will, in fact, close our ranks tighter than ever before!
That's unbelievable, coal?
Where on earth can you get coal?
Uhh,... as a rule... from Wegorzewska Street...
I'm impressed. Aren't you afraid to transport coal?
It's risky at times...
Well, as a rule... I always try to keep my receipts.
You have beautiful hair.
It's possible....I can't see it...
All of this leads us conclude... decisively, ...that in no uncertain terms...
To the elicit gobblers of the People's Sausages, we say "NO!!"
What's more, the Youth Brigade pledges to keep vigil
over the freshly bought replacement sausages
to honour the anniversary of the establishment of our enterprise.
- The 31st anniversary! - Indeed. The 31st! A round anniversary!
- You forgot the mustard. - I've got mustard, don't worry.
Show me.
Damn! What a cutie!
- She's in the film? - What a doll!
- Pretty ones are the most dangerous. - Watch your mouth! Give that back!!
Stop it now. Fighting over some girl? Such children.
Oh, and about this name of mine, Tradycja, I was going to say
There was one born recently, in Gdansk. Take a look at this:
"After the ceremony in the Wedding Hall the newly-wed couple paid a visit"
"to the Trade Union HQ, where they were given wreaths of wedding flowers."
"Everybody present was moved to have borne witness to the birth..."
of a new, secular tradition."
Well, there you have it!
So she was born in the Trade Union?
That's what it says, right?
Gee up, Baldy!
- Who was that? - Stach, your doppelganger.
That soot-faced ape was supposed to look like me?! - But...
I cam' early, 'cos I didn't have nothin' to do.
Stasiu! Come in! Oh, sorry, I'm all....
Thank you, they are beautiful. You know, these are my favourite.
- And something else... - Thank you.
Make yourself at home.
You're going to have to wait around a bit; I'm completley unready.
You came so early.
- Stach? - Mmhmm?
There are some of my photos on the table if you wanna take a look.
Staszek?
I'm awfully sorry, but could you help me unclog the bath?
You're so strong...
You clumsy, what have you done?! Oh butterfingers! What are you like?!
Luckily it was just shampoo, so you got yourself a free hair-wash!
- We're going to the theatre. - To the theatre? What for?
Stasiu, but I work in a theatre!
Jesus...
War rages on...,
you've got to trade just to live, son
Bacon, lard, liver - bombs over the river Don't shiver - just pour me the next one!
Kept close to my heart that pork loin and lard
some meat-loaf and ham...
Look, son! That's what ham looks like!
Here-an-axe, there-a-hoe, here-a-saw, there we go Night means air raids, day brings grenades
Here-an-axe, there-a-hoe, here-a-saw, don'cha know When will those Germans bloody go?!
It wasn't only through satire and songs, not only with jokes,
that the People fought the Occupier,
But when they lacked ammunition...
When they lacked ammunition, they sought solace in
the lyrics of these Forbidden Songs:
Comradely, soldierly, simple songs...
Let's listen to their words:
Hey there young Guardsman Fight sorrow! Keep your dream!
Perhaps in 30 years, across these sands, a new highway will run!
straight and bright, long and wide, For all Warsaw a source of pride,
With joy in our hearts, walking on air, down the Lazienkowska Thoroughfare!
Warszawa united, east and west,
Oh, the banks where your father fought his best.
Could you move a bit because I can't see anything.
So go to a doctor, the one for the eyes!
Mister, why are you leaning on me like that?
I'm sorry.
Miss Zosia! Have you got a moment?
- What? - Look at this!
I know what's going on here.
I worked in another theatre for 20 years.
A critic wrote once that while watching a performance
he was tearing all his hair out.
- You think it was him again? - No, no! Some other critic!
That one's already torn everything out.
Stasiek! You've turned all American? Kojak!?
- Did it happen to you in that movie? - No. In a theatre.
Christ on a bike. That's why I'd never go to a theatre.
10:0 for Gwardia. ...A 10 nil victory for Gwardia.
And now, a summary of the previous episodes of tonight's programme
Lech Rys, a Lieutenant of the Citizen's Militia, takes a bunch of little scamps
under his wing; showing them the way forward, and guiding them
with his priceless advice, thanks to which he is dubbed: "Uncle Good Advice".
The lieutenant's latest task: Young Tomek is using dirty words,
in tonight's episode, entitled: "Tomek Mazur's 'Butterfly Bits'"
So much snow! What a load of butterfly bits!
and there's been no bus for a quarter of an hour!
Chicken feather!!
Unbelievable! How can you use such dirty words?
What else am I going to say My legs are freezing!
Butterfly bits!
Well! You see, the climate has always been against us.
But that's no reason to use dirty words.
- We do try to explain that to him. - Here, I'll give you some Good Advice.
Next time you hear there's a hot water shortage,
the heaters are off, there are no buses
and your friend starts using dirty words again,
You know what you should do? - What?
Pretend you can't hear what he's saying to you!
- Hooray! - That's great advice!
- I can just picture his face! - Such wonderful advice, Uncle!
Very good adice!
Howabout some advice for me, Uncle!
It's childishly simple.
The money from the London bank can be withdrawn either by
Ryszard Ochódzki or Irena Ochódzka.
Quickly find some other Irena, marry her
then you'll have your Irena Ochódzka.
Irena Ochodzka...
Teddy Bear...
Now little Irena will...
...kiss the little eyes of Ryshie-Bear.
first the right Ryshie-Bear eye.
Then the left...
I'll go. I have the right, don't I?
That is terrific. Is it fake? Or did you really have your hair like that?
Capital, Ryshie-Bear, really.
My little baldy - you have to get it done like that again,
I know! You can have it like that at our wedding!
- What wedding? - You proposed to me an hour go?
Hey! Didn't you get the joke?
- It was a joke? - What else?
You acted like a real little idiot!
Couldn't you have left me some hair?
I couldn't! How could I have done it So, if I'm an idiot, you...
You're so very wise.
He's a moron.
- How can you have anything to do with him? - Well, I got by.
Why shouldn't I have?
I don't know. Just asking.
Oh Sweet-Bear, you grouch! You silly-billy!
You can't seriously be thinking that! Me and him!
Oh, you little toad!
So, how did you get him to do it?
I told him that yes, of course, everything is possible,
but only in London.
You liar!
I didn't lie, but he won't be coming with me to London,
Who do you think will be going to London?
So, what do you and him actually do together?
We just talk.
Oh yeah - tell me; what exactly is "Tradition"?
He's constantly asking about it. He says it's some little girl.
The imbecile!
Tradition, it is...
... something extra.
Extradition?
No, that's when they hijack planes and stuff,... bandits,
They hijack it, and we demand it back,
based on tradition... You know, old tradition.
Since the beginning of... aviation. ---[[insert missing text]]
... and he gets caught, he has to give us back a plane.
You follow?
That, is the meaning of "Tradition" Because they have to give it back!
- A plane? - Yeah!
- A plane? What for? And a cart? - They'd give back our cart too!
Good day, Mr. Ochodzki, Sir! Please do take a seat, dear Sir.
- Eh? What about me? - Reservation!!
Today, dear Pawel, I'd like you to shave my head.
- Completely? - Oh, you know it's an important bet.
Of course, I know, I know.
You can't smoke in here!
So, if you could watch it very carefully, because it'll make the TV and the newsreels
So, you know, technically speaking, 'you think you'll manage to get the helicopter to lift it?
You know, because I'm the chief Artistic Consultant on the shoot,
and, well, everything has got to be nice and expressive!
Sure we can lift it. Recently I had to put up a little village for the traffic cops.
They were so grateful, they didn't know where to kiss me!
Good, good. As far as the contract goes we'll thrash it out with the building committee.
- You're coming with me. - OK, coming!
This gentleman will be responsible for the whole project, as he has a helicopter.
Well, I mean, he can get access to one, whenever he needs one.
That's right, I can, but I need at least an hour's notice.
And his price is competitive, he'll provide it for 30k,
while the official rate starts at 55k per hour.
- So, let me know. - Make sure you keep me in the loop.
I have your phone number. If we need something,
I'll call you, And then you will call me back.
Why overpaying three times Why pay three times the going rate?
If we use this guy, we'll let him earn a little bit on the side
I've sorted the straw, from near Koszalin, the state farm, no less, by Wednesday.
'Cos it's the state farm, they can give it for free to the Club. No expenses.
I've got a some film left over so we can shoot a little short film,
and it'll cost us nothing.
So, we end up more-or-less 180-200 grand in the black!
- Keep talking... - That's all, oh and
I found a museum in Olsztynek which will buy the bear,
which will give us another 150,000 on top. So, what do you think!?
Listen - all your deep-pocketed thrift is gonna save us some paltry
100-200 grand, and when they do an inspection, we'll get it in the ass.
So, get this thought into your measly middle-manager's melon:
Money should be earned legally, not by all these shady practices.
This little chopper rat can fly for a penny with your wife,
but us, remember this, we'll rent a helicopter for 10 hours,
paying the full price.
- "Ten hours" - officially. - But it'll cost us few hundred!
We'll pay!
The film will be made officially and we'll pay.
I've got a bill for the bear, 280,000 - we'll pay it.
And we won't sell the bear to any museum, even for a million!
You're saying you don't want to earn a penny?
Tell me... what is this bear for?
- Well, exactly, who knows?! - Exactly!
Nobody knows. So you don't have to worry about anyone asking.
This bear... You know what this Bear is for?
it's vital for the whole society. It fulfills its dreams.
This is the bear that shows that nothing is beyond our capabilities!
You know what we do with this bear? We open the eyes of the unbelievers!
This - this is ours! We've made it, and this is just the beginning!
and we are untouchable thanks to this bear:
6 different community institutions have been involved in its production!
though, of course, it'll have rotted by Autumn left out in the open.
- And then what will we do? - Appeal for a restoration grant!
You can only earn real money off the back of gigantic,
extravagant investments made out of straw!
No, no, no! You can't afford it! You have to save money.
Listen, Rysiek! Don't be such a demagogue!
When you do your wheeling dealing everything is ok,
but when I put something together you're giving me a lecture!
Me, a wheeler-dealer? Pin one thing on me, and the whole bottle is yours.
Give me just a shot!
And this fake brother of yours? I interrupted filming, made an ad,
the whole thing cost me over 300,000!
- It cost you? - Money is money!
Thousands in zloty, all for an unknown amount of dollars,
And all that, only if your aunt is feeling generous? And that's above board?
Janek, avoid mind games with two different systems of currency.
Let's not behave like merchants.
As consultants, we get 20% of the total costs of the bear.
So, the more expensive, the more...
- A little Cognac? - Mine's a double. I guess I can afford it now.
Do you have a big pan? Have you got, perchance, a big saucepan?
I've got hold of some real sausages.
Veal, in real lamb casing...
Real casings?!
Where do you get them; the Antiques Service?
No, no, from my film. Smell that!
Fetch me a pot!
At times, it's even painful to see the way he strains himself;
our club president, Ryszard Ochódzki; all for Rainbow Sports!
He works round the clock, he's got everyone's back,
and yet some still are never satisfied!
A bunch of wolves!
This is Jarzabek Waclaw speaking; 2nd class coach.
Long live our president! Three cheers!
It's me again, Jarzabek, last week I didn't express myself.
I was ill. I have a sick note.
Hubba bubba, hubba bubba Let's hear it for the Pres' of the club-aaa!
Long live our President!
That was I, Jarzabek, singing.
Close the door behind me.
What's got into you!?
When you left, some guy ran into the room and started reciting
and then singing in your honour. He did it to the cabinet.
- A song?! - If only you could have heard that nonsense!
Hubba bubba, hubba bubba Let's hear it for the Pres of the club-aaa!
Long live our President!
- Ah, that's Jarzabek, a good coach. - You have it recorded?
Not only this. That's just the start of it.
The conditions during training camp were very good!
Thanks to our president! It's not true that he roof was leaking.
Besides, it was hardly even raining! Our boss cares for us like a real father!
- What's it all in aid of? - You want to see the archives?
- Don't they know it's all on tape? - Of course they do!
I told them about it.
If anybody wants to express any critical comments about me,
or about my work, and, you know, I'm not around to talk to,
They can come in, whenever they feel like it, and get it all off their chest,
But they could just end up buttering you up, lying,... flattering,...
And why would they do that?
When the only thing they, and I, care about is the future of our club!
Sincerity is our watchword at Rainbow Sports!
PALACE OF SCIENCE AND CULTURE, WARSAW.
Good evening Sir. Third door on the left, Sir.
Welcome Rysio, you know how much I like you, chap!
I'm struck down by asthma so they've got me drinking this muck from dawn till dusk.
I brought one like that. Here you go, I chose this one.
It's for that grandson of mine. The boy is ever-so fond of sports.
- This ought to really motivate him. - Exactly.
Oh, half past five already. Time to change the air pressure.
Come along, we'll go up together. Press no. 30!
Yeah... I wasn't sure exactly what sport it is takes part in,
so the inscription is maybe... not very...
He doesn't do any sport.
How did you inscribe it?
To Marek Zlotnicki... for taking first place.
Rysio, you're a good egg, chap!
Listen, Rysio, when you and Irena got married,
You had these sabres above your heads.
Do you remember? I'd like to get hold of some just like that for our wedding,
But we're getting married just next Tuesday.
OK. Sabres for next Tuesday.
some honeymoon? Then, I suppose, it's honeymoon time!
That, we'll take care of in the winter.
I'm telling you, I've been everywhere.
I can't be bothered anymore. But Irena, she's flying all over the place like nobody's business.
She got this beautiful fur coat from Leningrad, and now, ....
- What day is it today? - Tuesday!
So, on Friday she's flying to London to buy something for her wedding dress
or some suit. You know, women.
- But coming back to this wedding... - I've just remembered,...
recenty I received a letter for Irena at our old address - from abroad,...
- You know, I think it may have been from London. - From London!?
- Where is it? - At home...
Or maybe at the club.
- So, let's go... - No, what for? Give me a minute!
I'll bring it myself. I don't want to bother you, Mr Minister.
I'll be back with the letter in a minute!
It's someone for you.
He's one of our own - our club president!
In a couple of days I'll be getting a new collection, ones with hunting animals.
Now I have only singles. These. French ones.
- No, no, it's got to be something English. - Well, I haven't got any interesting ones.
Ah, here are some first day covers, and here, some old ones. With envelopes.
Envelopes with stamps?
and they're postmarked!
Tell the president about the pipes, you know, it was like this, Sir.
in the winter windows fell out.
2 from here, 2 from the 6th floor and from the 7th two as well.
No, from the 7th it was just one.
SWORN TRANSLATOR. Opening hours:
Bon Jour. Sil vous plait! Entrez, entrez vous.
Et ou est Piotr?
Pardon...eee,.. Ich keine.. po polsku.....????????!!
I'm sorry, Sir, I thought it was my son.
with his friend from France.
They're coming over from across town to have a bath,
because the water's down over there... - Okay, okay.
It's nothing, it's nothing. Could you write a letter for me, on this paper, by hand, in English?
- Yes. - No problem.
Here's how it'll go:
Irena, my most darling Goddess! I dream all night of your divine body...
...your divine body...
- The lifts are off. They only start at eight. - But, I'm here to visit this lift.
That lift is up at the top. He's having a nice relax up there.
- Someone for you from down below. - Let him in.
Sorry, it ...took ...so long...
Fine, fine. You've got the letter? Thank you, thank you very much.
Jasiu!
Take my friend downstairs by lift. Why wear him out with all those stairs?
Aha. Well. It's a simple text. I'll translate it right away.
Please do excuse me. I'll be back in just a second.
I thought you wouldn't come, that you finally have water there.
Comment ēa va?
IRENA, MY MOST DARLING GODDESS! I DREAM ALL NIGHT OF YOUR...
- So, which one are you going to be? - I'm not sure.
Ah, this guy. Got back just yesterday from Geneva.
Speak. Take this.
I'm calling from the secretariat... This is the secratry's office of...
Yes. Yes.
Hello.
Yes. Yes. Paluch. Yes.
I noted it down. Of course Yes, everything.
Miss Krysia! And Aleksandra Kozel. Yes.
That's very good.
And what about your personal life?
I see.
Congratulations.
Have this arranged as a matter of urgency... - the full pillow treatment!
As I travel across land and sea,
All over this Earth, with head held high, why?
For my passport is Polish, clutched close to my heart,
I ask myself from whence it came!
I come to realise with pride, and pain:
It came through the honour of everyday labour.
From steel, from iron, from coal.
From coal, to coke...
Oh, precious anthracite!
- 80! - Gotcha..
Hurry! You're on!!
When when are we off, and how?
- By plane. Would you like a drink? - Why not...
- How about some whiskey! Like the English drink! - Ok, I'll try.
Drink up! In England they drink it non-stop!
So give me a second glass.
Good morning.
- Christmas greetings from your dear old meter-reader. - Thank you.
Merry Christmas. They say herrings have appeared in the shops of Grochów.
Now, let's check how much you've been using up.
So, as a rule, you have to know a bit about it all,
to know how much, and where...
Well, until recently that's how it was. But now, we've got a "computer".
You can just write whatever you like. It means absolutely nothing.
A Computer?
That's right, my good man! But it always bodges up the calculations,
Ne'er a month goes by without a mistake.
So, nowadays you don't have to know too much to do your job?
Not any more, not any more, Things have become so much easier, old boy!
Computer.
Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet.
Of course.
Sir!
There's your computer for you! ... English vodka!
I'll get it.
No thank you, we have one already.
Sir! Sir!
It was some guy flogging a mirror. Told him we've got one already.
Take care of him. I'll be back soon.
Hey, Computer!
Get our bald friend to carry him away.
No, ask the caretaker. Then get him to sleep too.
- The caretaker? - No, baldy!
Sir!
Could you help me carry a meter reader out of my flat?
What's happened? Okay, okay.
As a means of apologising for today's unscheduled service problems
it's our pleasure to invite all passengers to the main square.
The Municipal Transport Dept. hereby, in conjunction with today's breakdown,
announces the introduction of a new slogan: "After an honest days's labour:
a little humour and entertainment!": so, we invite you, once again, to the square.
The tram's been stuck there for an hour. Some of the passengers took the basement for a loo.
And our caretaker's gone off to carry away some meter reader! You'll see...
Ladies and gentlemen! I welcome you with a traditional "good day!"
And let me begin by quickly presenting today's programme!
On this occasion - as a breakdown can also be an occasion,
It's our pleasure, to present to our passengers, all hard working citizens,
as you all are...
an artistic programme for the day, until the resumption of transport services.
Excuse me, where did you get that tea?
Nowhere here, don't worry. My daughter sent it me from Lomza.
Good morning! Hi! How do you do! I've come to sing my song for you!
They call me Romek I love the craic Out in the slums I've got my little shack
Got leccy, gas, and even water...
Don't worry - they'll soon disonnect all that!
Oh Sweet-bear, he's sleeping like a beaver!
So what if I'm sleeping. I feel sleepy, so I'm sleeping! Simple common sense.
- So, Honey-bear? - Very good.
Now give me your passport.
I have to buy tickets for tomorrow!
And you'll watch them here. You stay here and watch them,
And I'll be back soon.
Good morning!
Miss Director! - a sausage has arrived. Podwawelska. NO TICKETS ->
I'm listening.
My name's Stanislaw Paluch, I have booked a ticket to London.
The flight to London, 11:05. However,.. the price has gone up.
The 11:09 rate.
But.. I got you a Podwawelska sausage!
Take it, take it all back! I won't be eating any of it, anyway!
So, you don't want Tokyo. In that case I suggest a ticket to Melbourne.
It's a rare ticket, and it's valid!
The plane left 3 days ago and hasn't come back yet.
SAY IT WITH A DISCOUNT FLIGHT TICKET
Please excuse me Ladies and Gents, I've received urgent news from the hospital;
My wife's given birth to a child, a boy! So I've got flowers for my wife, and...
I need to get a good-luck flight for my boy as a welcome to this world!
- Will you let me in? - Yes.
My dear, tickets for London, the 11:05. The flowers are for you.
- Your ID, please. - Here you are.
Excuse me, you know, I'm a pediatrician.
Yes, as I explained, I have a new-born son!
- What's his weight? - 12 kg.
A 12 kilo baby. The Party has us on the right track, for sure.
- This way for those with tickets only, please. - Thank you.
- But I want to see my mother off! - Wait a moment!
I'll check in the instructions.
Mother.., mother, mother, aha:
"Mother: she can be seen off with a wave from the viewing platform."
"This viewing platform is closed."
"Another viewing platform is available in Wroclaw. Apologies for any inconvenience."
Maybe you could fly instead of me, son?
But, mother, it's you that's having the operation, not me!
- I'm just carrying her suitcases! - Don't be a nuisance!
"Nuisance Passenger:"
"And if your little son was set to fly with a group of 100 other little children,"
"and every parent wanted to come inside. Could you imagine the crowd? You see?"
"And don't answer that you don't have a son. Because that could change at any moment!"
"NB - ensure that the passenger is not a priest."
- Excuse me, I have my ticket. - Over here, mister!
- What is it? - Want a ticket?
- What? - Do you need a ticket?
Lufthansa, Boac, Swiss Air, Air France...
- But they aren't valid! - Valid for entering the airport!
It's like a platform ticket. Domestic or foreign?
Can I enter with it?
OK... give me a domestic one!
- 40 zloty. - How much?
40. Foreign tickets are cheaper, 30 zloty.
But with a Polish LOT ticket, you can enter anywhere you like.
Keep it in its cover, keep it safe.
You'll get 2 years out of it.
Excuse me madam, could you tell me what time the flight at 11:05,
will be leaving for London?
How should I know? Probably about 1pm.
- Could you... - Just a moment!
"Passenger Stanislaw Paluch is requested at the boarding gate immediately."
"Mutual friendship and trust are the foundation of any properly functioning,"
"example of the most basic social cell : the family."
"Passenger Stanislaw Paluch. Please..."
Thank you.
- "30th plenum of the "ZENUM". - Excuse me?!
That's what we call a day when all the planes depart on time.
Those days are such a mess that we just can't keep up with anything!
- Hi there, Mr Latecomer... - "30th plenum of the "ZENUM"!
Yeah, yeah!
And that letter which you prepared and planted?
Wladek got really upset, and said: "You're not flying anywhere this Friday."
So, I said: "Ok, if not Friday, I'll fly on Thursday instead."
Obviously, that guy over there is one of his goons,
He's sitting there, reading a paper? It means he's working...
Impressive, they gave you a passport!!
Ellie? It's me! I'm calling 'cos I can't talk just at the minute.
There are few people at my place.
No, you don't know them. Foreigners.
If you would like some wine, please, help yourself, Jerry.
No, no, I was just saying something to a friend.
- And what now? - Partnership.
- What can I offer you? - I accept.
You see, you old jackal! You lost in the end!
Losing to you is just like winning.
My dear, could you explain this for me?
Should I fill it in English? Could you help me?
My job is to hand out sweets!
- I'll help you. - Yes, please.
Surname, name, occupation, address...
- And you don't have any alcohol? - Only Eau de cologne.
- That's it. - Thank you.
But the lady on the plane told me everything was filled in correctly
God, I'm an idiot. What have I done...
- Have you got a smoked ham? - We sure do. How about this one?
Very juicy. It's very juicy? Bogaty smak!
Good Lord! My dear man,
How did you get here?! What a surprise!
You'll stay till Christmas. You have to stay with us.
So, sit down Sir, sit and tell me! What news, what news?!
What's new is new, my dear Jan!
What's most important is that I can see you're in good health, thank the Lord on high.
And long may you remain so!
I've come in a mad dash just to pick up my box.
because I want to get to the bank to cash a cheque, before they close.
- You have to eat something. - I'm not hungry. I'll eat later.
- Just as you left it. - Of course. Very good.
I'll take my cheque book now, but I'll pop by later and we can chat, dear Jan.
Oh, and I almost forgot the most important thing.
As you requested, I brought you a pebble all the way from Jelenia Góra!
- From Jelenia Góra, the town? - I mean Jasna Góra, the monastery!
You know who's probably walked right past it! Pope John Paul II!
Dear Mr Jan...
We'll have time tonight to talk all about us Poles from the old days!
- But... - Tonight! Tonight! Tonight!
I don't really understand what you're telling me,
but I can show you my documents. Here you are.
My ID. You see. I have it here.
You can check.
Ryszard Ochodzki. Can you see? It's me. I am me.
Similar right? The same signature. Check it, please.
Give it to me. I won't eat it.
- Moment. Pass him to me. - Can you speak English?
Please translate what this dunderhead is saying, 'cos I don't understand a thing.
Speak!
- They are on strike. - Strike?
Yes. It's too dark in the office.
It's a token strike.
It'll end at 2 o'clock.
8 minutes will really save you! Bureaucrat!
You're on strike... my foot!
The mind boggles...
- How long ago? - Half an hour ago.
- Are you sure it was him? - You think I wouldn't recognize Ryszard?
FOREIGN AFFAIRS
I... would like to...
my money...my money...
Put in... your bank...
An account with a password... Verstehen Sie??
Of course, how could we not Verstehen? Here, absolutely everything is Verstanden!
Have a seat, please, and wait. We'll take care of everything.
My dear Jan, I have a big favour to ask you.
I can't explain it on the phone.
Put simply, could you send a telegram to my address back in Poland?
SADLY TRIP CANCELLED.
CAN'T COME. KISSES FOR BOTH MY DEAR BOYS. YOUR AUNTIE.
I understand, auntie! That's right!
- Have got them!? - Got what?!
- The tickets! - Tickets! Of course, I don't!
5 hours of standing in a queue, and they close the window in my face.
And just as well that they did, you really had me going there!
- Do you know what happened? - What?
Don't talk so much, just help me take him out, we must take him out.
Why?
- What happened? - Keep a lid on it. Just open up the car!
C'mon! You know, they almost arrested me!
Why? What happened?!
The Militia are looking for this Stach Paluch of yours.
- But they gave him a passport. - Right!
Don't forget after whose call they gave him... a passport.
YOUR HEART REMINDS YOU: IT'S HEALTHIER TO WALK
- Little brothers off to the army? - Piss off, idiot!
- Good night, my prince... - Why prince?
One of my theatre friends says that.
I don't know why.
This afternoon in Warsaw,
a new secular tradition was born: The Day of the Walking Passenger.
This day certainly will enter our calendar for good.
The grateful Varsovians celebrated this beautiful gift from their tram drivers
with all manner of dances and fun. The festivities of The Day of the Walking Passenger
will be closed with a fireworks display.
Drink up. Worse things happen at sea.
- If you want, I'll buy you a fur coat... - A real one?
A real one.
A team of professional basketball players has arrived in the Capital,
to take part in a few showpiece matches. We were there.
A show it was indeed but with basketball, and indeed sport in general
it seems to share less common ground.
More like a circus, and a bit of fun,
but, mostly, fun at our expense!
Those black men are just incredible, aren't they?
Not like that, but generally - just look at the way he moves!
Did you know that when I was younger, I was also a black basketball player?
Seriously.
I would play like this! Look!
Like that, see. But then I stopped.
Oh, my Teddy Bear...
I just wonder sometimes, do you think love is even at all possible in this life?
- Does that stuff even exist? - Love?
Yeah, love... Is it even possible at all?
On TV they often show love, some people make love or talk about it.
That's what I think, in life it's just impossible.
There... someone... is hanging!
It's just some kind of toy. Made of straw.
They talked about it on TV. They said it would fly. Look!
On whose TV? Yours... Stop talking nonsense!
It's this new tradition, the flight of the teddy bear!
Flight!? It's just hanging on some cord, on a wire...
Good morning!
Is this cart licensed to transport people?
C'mon, Officer. We're going to the lake to catch fish for Christmas Eve.
Your ID, please, and the a cart driver's licence.
What's this?
A Passport!
Ok, you should return the passport the day after Christmas at the latest.
Ok, that's all in order. You may leave.
Why do I have to take it back?
- Well, because you've returned from abroad. - I have?
- From abroad? - What do you mean? You were in England!
Don't play the fool. You can go!
- That's right! - Where have you been? In England?
- Why didn't you say a word? - He's not a chatterbox at all.
- I don't have to tell you everything... - How long were you there?
- One day. - So short.
Man, it's tough.
They drink this red vodka,... on mice!
- They get tanked up even more than here? - Way more. There's no comparison.
You drink just a small shot and you stay unconscious for two days.
Good lord!
Sleep, my dear, rockabye
Across the whole uni-verse
You're my only king, dear
My little darling, sonny
I'll hold you, I'll nurse you,
I'll keep you safe, with God's grace
Before that Holy Eve comes
this whole world to embrace.
Don't cry now, for days to come
So full of hurt and sorrow
Now sleep for me, little one...
Tradycja! come here to daddy! Don't soak your little shoes!
You can't give her this name Tradycja.
- Why not? - Do you really have to ask?
Because you can't just call a thing a "tradition".
You can't order it, implement it, nor enact it by special resolution.
Anyone who thinks you can probably sees the light of a blown out candle sitting out in the sun.
Tradition is like an ancient oak, which has been growing for thousands of years.
Don't compare this little sprout with a mighty oak!
The tradition of our history is like a fortified wall.
Our carols, Wigilia Christmas supper, the folksongs of the people,
the tongue of our forefathers, our history which we can't change.
These things which emerge around us, that's just our everyday life,
which we have to live.
Sleep, my dear, fall asleep
Close those little eyes now
Dream of this wide world,
Dream about our homeland:
May it be, someday,
a land of peace and goodness,
a land of Law and Justice,
to all people - generous.
Loo, lee, lay - hear how they play
on their little flutes, dear
a thousand shining stars away
For you, my little sonny
Sleep, dear one, sleep now
across the whole wide heaven
You're my only king, dear
My little darling son.
The End.